Abuse is not love.
“Don’t make me hurt you.” “I will kill you if you try to leave me.” “You belong to me.” Have you ever been in a relationship with a guy who used phrases like this in a weird non-joking sort of way? 18 years old and I thought I was in love for life. You couldn’t tell me anything bad about this person, I heard these types of phrases every other day and I, like most women, thought it was okay. No big deal. Only, it was big deal. It was a huge deal and a terrible ordeal to be involved in. I just didn’t know it at the time. At the time, I didn’t realize how the things he’d say would play a part in my self confidence and self love. I didn’t look to me because I was already dependent on his.
Today I have 3 daughters so let’s just say, I ain’t having it. Here are 5 ways to recognize abuse that looks like love.
- He does not take to kindly you having male friends
- He threatens to hurt you on a conditional basis
- Ultimatums are his go to after any disagreement
- Random pop-ups to see where you are or what you’re doing and with who
- Controlling the bank accounts and money
- Doesn’t allow you to lend to family or friends
- Takes control of your paycheck before you even know how much you’ve brought home
- Watching what times you go in and out
- Questions your whereabouts, motives, friends
All of above are opening up the gate for abuse to run your relationships and it doesn’t just affect the relationship you have with him, but also with friends, family, coworkers and your children. If you are holding yourself hostage to an abusive situation you are also holding the people who love you to that same abusive pattern.
Depending on the level of abuse happening in a relationship, it can be either dangerous to just up and leave and even more dangerous to stay. As angry as we are, you don’t want to upset the person you’re trying to leave so you want to make sure you have a support system in place to help with the leaving and the transition. Here are a few things to consider when leaving an abusive relationship.
- People you can trust to help you
- Not mutual friends of you and his
- Do not tell your children. Sometimes people ask kids questions and they answer when you prefer they don’t
- Do it when the other person is away from the home
- Don’t announce that you’re leaving out of anger
- Stay calm
- Don’t invite your entire family to help. It could provide more harm than good
- Stay committed
Leaving an abusive relationship is scary, but what’t they alternative when you are afraid for your life and the life of your child?